Well, I have not participated in 3ww in A LONG TIME! And today is already Sunday, oh well! It took me a few days to find the inspiration for this post.
Cradle
Perfect
Snare
i remember it so well
the look on your face that
may day
a smile so wide
a look in your soft eyes
telling me you would
cradle my heart with yours
that our love would last forever
tears of joy spilled down your cheeks
i knew this was a perfect moment
that it would not last forever
but I was confident that
our love would
and even as you pledged
for better or worse
in sickness and in health
i could not see how i had become
caught in the grasp
of your lies
in the entanglement of deception
in the snare you called
love
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
To want
"You're pregnant." I will never forget how I felt the first time that I heard those two little words. I was overcome with joy. A little nervous. A little anxious. But so very happy. And each of the three times that I heard those words after, the same feelings overwhelmed me even more.
I LOVE being a mother. Love being pregnant. Love how my body changes, I even don't mind the horrible morning sickness that plagued those pregnancies as I knew in the end that the reward was a hundred fold. And don't even get me started as to how wonderful the feeling of holding my new little angel to my breast to nurse is. To this day when I see a woman who is pregnant, or nursing, my breasts ache. Ache for the feeling of a growing baby in my womb. Ache to feel the first little flutters of growing limbs. I even ache to know that pain of labor and childbirth that seem to so mysteriously disappear after you hold your baby for the first time.
But today I made a decision that makes not only my breasts ache, but my heart. I have been told several times by my friends and family that I need to be happy with what I have, to not "want" for more than what I have been given. I know that they are right. That I should not be greedy, that I should be so thankful for the wonderful angels that God has sent to me. So after weeks of thinking about all of the things that I have in my life to be thankful and grateful for, I have realized that it is time that I stop letting my happiness be controlled over whether or not I have another baby. I have decided to let this one "want" go. It is not going to be easy to let this one thing that I covet so badly go. Even as I write these words, the tears are slipping down my lashes.
We all have things in our lives that we want but that we can't have. For some these may be things that are far out of their reach. At least for me, I can say that my greatest want has been fulfilled not once, but three times. And that has to be enough.
I LOVE being a mother. Love being pregnant. Love how my body changes, I even don't mind the horrible morning sickness that plagued those pregnancies as I knew in the end that the reward was a hundred fold. And don't even get me started as to how wonderful the feeling of holding my new little angel to my breast to nurse is. To this day when I see a woman who is pregnant, or nursing, my breasts ache. Ache for the feeling of a growing baby in my womb. Ache to feel the first little flutters of growing limbs. I even ache to know that pain of labor and childbirth that seem to so mysteriously disappear after you hold your baby for the first time.
But today I made a decision that makes not only my breasts ache, but my heart. I have been told several times by my friends and family that I need to be happy with what I have, to not "want" for more than what I have been given. I know that they are right. That I should not be greedy, that I should be so thankful for the wonderful angels that God has sent to me. So after weeks of thinking about all of the things that I have in my life to be thankful and grateful for, I have realized that it is time that I stop letting my happiness be controlled over whether or not I have another baby. I have decided to let this one "want" go. It is not going to be easy to let this one thing that I covet so badly go. Even as I write these words, the tears are slipping down my lashes.
We all have things in our lives that we want but that we can't have. For some these may be things that are far out of their reach. At least for me, I can say that my greatest want has been fulfilled not once, but three times. And that has to be enough.
Monday, July 20, 2009
How much damage lies under the hood?
When I was first married my husband bought me a cute little turquoise Honda CRX. I loved zipping around town, down shifting every turn, squeezing into tight parking spots on a dime. That car was perfect for me. It was small, sporty, and quick. It was also reliable. I LOVED that car.
After about a year that poor little car and I were in an accident that was not our fault. I was so worried about the little car. Would it ever look or run the same. But my local body shop assured me that they could fix all of the damage and no one would ever know anything had ever occurred. The car was in the shop for almost a month. When the day finally came to pick it up I walked into the repair shop and there she sat in all of her turquoise glory! I took a couple of very slow strolls around the car, making sure to look over every inch of the car, searching for any visible signs of remaining damage. There were none. The crinkles in the fender had been smoothed. Everything looked normal. The car looked perfect.
I slid into the drivers seat, welcoming the familiar way that the seat hugged my body, and closed the door. The glass promptly fell to the bottom of the door. OK. That was not right. The car looked great on the outside but there were obviously still issues that the repair shop was going to have to address and fast.
A week later I was once again surveying the car and once again there were no visible signs of damage. This time when I closed the door the glass remained firmly in place and I happily drove my little car home. However, after about two days I noticed a strange knocking coming from the front of the car whenever I took a left hand turn or hit a bump in the road.
Back to the repair shop.
I was told that a CV joint had been damaged in the accident but that it had gone unnoticed.
It was fixed.
Again.
I once again surveyed for damage and signed a release and drove her home.
However, that little car never drove the same. Although it looked great, damage had been done that was unnoticeable to the untrained eye. The damage was not major, little tweaks here and there that really did not affect the car, little things that only I noticed.
Then today I had a major realization; that my post-divorce life has been a lot like that poor little car. Things looked smooth, repaired, and normal on the outside. Things in my life would be running along smoothly with the past damage almost forgotten. Things in my relationships would feel normal, familiar, and comfortable. Then I would suddenly be hit by a long forgotten happy memory that was left from my marriage and everything would come undone. the unseen damage under my hood would start to knock. I would be content then I would hear of a happy event in my now remarried ex husbands life, and ALL of the windows would fall out of my life. No one noticed most of these little "tweaks", but I did.
No matter how much time has passed, how much "work" I have done, how much time I have spent trying to figure out what went wrong, there is still damage that needs to be addressed.
The little Honda was lost in our bankruptcy. It ran great when we gave it over to the bank, only a few little defects that really did not affect how it ran. I knew that it would go to a new owner that would someday be as happy with it and as in love with it as I had been.
I have come to realize that my divorce is the bankruptcy of our marriage and my emotional health is a lot like that little car that I lost in our bankruptcy. To an outsider it looks good and preforms like normal. I am hopping that even though it has a few flaws, it will someday make someone very happy.
After about a year that poor little car and I were in an accident that was not our fault. I was so worried about the little car. Would it ever look or run the same. But my local body shop assured me that they could fix all of the damage and no one would ever know anything had ever occurred. The car was in the shop for almost a month. When the day finally came to pick it up I walked into the repair shop and there she sat in all of her turquoise glory! I took a couple of very slow strolls around the car, making sure to look over every inch of the car, searching for any visible signs of remaining damage. There were none. The crinkles in the fender had been smoothed. Everything looked normal. The car looked perfect.
I slid into the drivers seat, welcoming the familiar way that the seat hugged my body, and closed the door. The glass promptly fell to the bottom of the door. OK. That was not right. The car looked great on the outside but there were obviously still issues that the repair shop was going to have to address and fast.
A week later I was once again surveying the car and once again there were no visible signs of damage. This time when I closed the door the glass remained firmly in place and I happily drove my little car home. However, after about two days I noticed a strange knocking coming from the front of the car whenever I took a left hand turn or hit a bump in the road.
Back to the repair shop.
I was told that a CV joint had been damaged in the accident but that it had gone unnoticed.
It was fixed.
Again.
I once again surveyed for damage and signed a release and drove her home.
However, that little car never drove the same. Although it looked great, damage had been done that was unnoticeable to the untrained eye. The damage was not major, little tweaks here and there that really did not affect the car, little things that only I noticed.
Then today I had a major realization; that my post-divorce life has been a lot like that poor little car. Things looked smooth, repaired, and normal on the outside. Things in my life would be running along smoothly with the past damage almost forgotten. Things in my relationships would feel normal, familiar, and comfortable. Then I would suddenly be hit by a long forgotten happy memory that was left from my marriage and everything would come undone. the unseen damage under my hood would start to knock. I would be content then I would hear of a happy event in my now remarried ex husbands life, and ALL of the windows would fall out of my life. No one noticed most of these little "tweaks", but I did.
No matter how much time has passed, how much "work" I have done, how much time I have spent trying to figure out what went wrong, there is still damage that needs to be addressed.
The little Honda was lost in our bankruptcy. It ran great when we gave it over to the bank, only a few little defects that really did not affect how it ran. I knew that it would go to a new owner that would someday be as happy with it and as in love with it as I had been.
I have come to realize that my divorce is the bankruptcy of our marriage and my emotional health is a lot like that little car that I lost in our bankruptcy. To an outsider it looks good and preforms like normal. I am hopping that even though it has a few flaws, it will someday make someone very happy.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The Christmas After
My breasts ached to nurse my baby, my arms yearned to hold my children. They were gone to spend Christmas with their father. I was so very lonely. This used to be my favorite holiday. A time to spend with your loved ones and I had no children and no man. I lay on the floor of my living room silently sobbing. It was officially the worst Christmas ever.
That was last year. This year’s Christmas was different. Although for the first time since their birth’s my kids were not with me Christmas morning, I was surprisingly not depressed. That had very much to do with the fact that instead of being alone in my little apartment, I was laying comfortably next to Aaron in his big, warm bed. I had never felt so loved and adored as he told me the best present that he had received this year was leaving his ex-wife’s house after watching the kids open gifts to come home to me in his bed. My heart smiled broader than any that had ever crossed my lips. After all of the indecisiveness that I have suffered recently, I finally knew deep within myself that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It has gotten to the point that I hate to not be with him at night and miss waking up with him in the morning. To feel the warmth radiating off of him as he lies next to me, while it makes me hotter than heck, it is so comforting. Christmas is once again my favorite holiday, not because of any material gift that I received, but because I know the love of a good man and am no longer afraid to give him my love in return.
That was last year. This year’s Christmas was different. Although for the first time since their birth’s my kids were not with me Christmas morning, I was surprisingly not depressed. That had very much to do with the fact that instead of being alone in my little apartment, I was laying comfortably next to Aaron in his big, warm bed. I had never felt so loved and adored as he told me the best present that he had received this year was leaving his ex-wife’s house after watching the kids open gifts to come home to me in his bed. My heart smiled broader than any that had ever crossed my lips. After all of the indecisiveness that I have suffered recently, I finally knew deep within myself that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It has gotten to the point that I hate to not be with him at night and miss waking up with him in the morning. To feel the warmth radiating off of him as he lies next to me, while it makes me hotter than heck, it is so comforting. Christmas is once again my favorite holiday, not because of any material gift that I received, but because I know the love of a good man and am no longer afraid to give him my love in return.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas hope
The prompts over at 3ww:
Faith
Miracle
Whisper
They sat in the exam room listening to the soft music floating through the overhead speakers. Something classical, but not pretentious. Relaxing. Soothing. I say sit, but really, he was sitting, she was laying, uncomfortably, on the hard exam table. The white paper gown barely covering her ample curves. In her nervousness she had torn the front when she slipped it on, right above her pubic bone, so now a small wisp of dark curls were threatening escape. Why weren’t these damn things bigger, she mused? She tried to remain calm by reminding herself why they were here.
They had tried for just over a year to get pregnant and almost three months earlier had learned that their efforts to expand their family of four had been successful. All of the prayers from family and friends, all of the old tricks and new positions, everything but the drugs this time, had brought about and answer to her deepest wishes; a baby girl to round out the uneven scale of testosterone floating through the air in her house. She did not really know that it was a girl, but she was sure in her heart that it was. She had kept the faith that God would give her what she so deeply wanted because her heart was pure in this desire and surely he would not see this desire as covetous.
But as the Dr's doppler failed to pick up a heart beat for the fifth time in as many weeks, that faith began to sink to the hot pit in her belly. The baby was not forming like she should and there still was no heartbeat. The Dr's reassurances that the baby was probably just a slow grower with an inaudible heartbeat now turned to the sad reality that her baby was not going to meet her big brothers.
The silent tears rolled over her cheeks as she tore the crumpled gown off and shoved it into the garbage. What would become of her new lovely shape? This was her third child after all. Her tummy had already grown considerably and her breasts had begun their transformation from their regular soft teardrops to spectacular round orbs eager to nurse. What would they tell their family and friends? What would they tell the boys? They were already so excited at the prospect of having someone new to torture. Her husband just sat, not knowing what to say. They had been bracing themselves for this but did not believe it was going to happen. Now the cold reality had hit. She could not even bring herself to whisper those three little letters; DNC. The little life that would never be, would be sucked from her body in one week.
December 22.
There would be no Christmas miracle this year.
Faith
Miracle
Whisper
They sat in the exam room listening to the soft music floating through the overhead speakers. Something classical, but not pretentious. Relaxing. Soothing. I say sit, but really, he was sitting, she was laying, uncomfortably, on the hard exam table. The white paper gown barely covering her ample curves. In her nervousness she had torn the front when she slipped it on, right above her pubic bone, so now a small wisp of dark curls were threatening escape. Why weren’t these damn things bigger, she mused? She tried to remain calm by reminding herself why they were here.
They had tried for just over a year to get pregnant and almost three months earlier had learned that their efforts to expand their family of four had been successful. All of the prayers from family and friends, all of the old tricks and new positions, everything but the drugs this time, had brought about and answer to her deepest wishes; a baby girl to round out the uneven scale of testosterone floating through the air in her house. She did not really know that it was a girl, but she was sure in her heart that it was. She had kept the faith that God would give her what she so deeply wanted because her heart was pure in this desire and surely he would not see this desire as covetous.
But as the Dr's doppler failed to pick up a heart beat for the fifth time in as many weeks, that faith began to sink to the hot pit in her belly. The baby was not forming like she should and there still was no heartbeat. The Dr's reassurances that the baby was probably just a slow grower with an inaudible heartbeat now turned to the sad reality that her baby was not going to meet her big brothers.
The silent tears rolled over her cheeks as she tore the crumpled gown off and shoved it into the garbage. What would become of her new lovely shape? This was her third child after all. Her tummy had already grown considerably and her breasts had begun their transformation from their regular soft teardrops to spectacular round orbs eager to nurse. What would they tell their family and friends? What would they tell the boys? They were already so excited at the prospect of having someone new to torture. Her husband just sat, not knowing what to say. They had been bracing themselves for this but did not believe it was going to happen. Now the cold reality had hit. She could not even bring herself to whisper those three little letters; DNC. The little life that would never be, would be sucked from her body in one week.
December 22.
There would be no Christmas miracle this year.
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Replacement
She stands about an inch shorter than me. Hair shorter, a harsher cut, we share the same "natural" color. Hers usually has streaks in it, mine currently sports a plum wash. Our builds are about the same, although she has gotten thinner this last year. We tend to wear similar clothes and colors, although hers are name brand and my are discount rack. I found out accidentally that we have the same taste in music. But that is were the similarities end. She is known as the Ice Princess to those that know her but cant stand her, I am known as the strong sweet one. She has a tendency to make people feel small, even in their own homes. I'm known for my warmth and hospitality and ability to make others feel that my home is theirs. She does not know how to cook, I am a GREAT cook! But the biggest difference between her and I; soon her stomach will be burgeoning with the new life my husband has planted there. That will be the easiest way to tell us apart; my replacement and I.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
my new leaf
The promt over at 3ww:
Enemy
Shatter
Vague
I refuse to be my own enemy
any longer
I am going to shatter the pain
That held me
Happiness will no longer
Be a vague idea
Enemy
Shatter
Vague
I refuse to be my own enemy
any longer
I am going to shatter the pain
That held me
Happiness will no longer
Be a vague idea
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Time, time, time
I can not believe what a hold this divorce has on me. I keep thinking that because so much time has passed that I would stop having these sudden bursts of extreme sadness hit. I could not sleep so was looking at stuff on my computer and came across Madelyn's baby page and it hit. Hard. Not that I am getting divorced, or that I am divorcing him, but that same sadness that comes with the realization that the kids do not have both of us under the same roof. You think that I would be getting to a point where that would not hurt so much. But I guess that it hurts because I love them so much and I had such different dreams for them. I know I can not control the out come of dreams I have for their futures but I had at least believed that my dreams of them growing up with both their birth parents together was in my control. There in lies the problem. We really have no control when there is more than ourselves in the equation.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
heart sick 3ww
3ww prompts:
Balance
Dictate
Wander
when will i find peace
within my heart
balance the emotions
that rule my life
tilt the scale unevenly
towards the good
if only i could control
my feelings
dictate to my heart how
i should feel
how i should love
if only my mind would be quiet
for a minute
or two
long enough for my heart to
wander its way
towards happiness
Balance
Dictate
Wander
when will i find peace
within my heart
balance the emotions
that rule my life
tilt the scale unevenly
towards the good
if only i could control
my feelings
dictate to my heart how
i should feel
how i should love
if only my mind would be quiet
for a minute
or two
long enough for my heart to
wander its way
towards happiness
James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover
this song occupied my mind and my bed after mike left for many, many nights. it still haunts me. does that mean im not over him? i dont love him still. do i? there is no way i can. he has just fucked my mind.
"And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep."
Missy Higgins - Where I Stood
this song is so where i am right now, on two different levels. how can a song written by someone who does not know me do this? god i love the power of music!
dont know anymore
how can i feel so alone when you are in bed next to me? when is this hollow feeling in me going to go away? im so sick of feeling like this. the ghosts of yesterday keep telling me that im not good enough, that i dont deserve to be loved, that i am not allowed to be happy, that i can never truly make a man happy. when the fuck are they going to shut up and let me live my life. i am so conflicted right now. one minute i think that i am happy, the next i dont know how i can ever be content with my life. am i settling? am i just making due like i did in my marriage? is my judgment clouded due to the shit he put me through? i just dont know anymore. i am so fucking confused. i know that my new antidepressant is not working at all. i am actually feeling worse than i was before i started taking it. and that scares the ever living shit out of me. for many reasons. mainly this; i never had to take antidepressants til mike and i were together for about a year, that was about the time i realized that i was settling but that i thought i could "make it work". after i left him i was able to get off the meds and was doing really well. i felt like i had beaten the depression. then a few months after aaron and i started dating the depression came back with a vengeance. so what does that mean about us. i have been feeling for quiet some time now that i was trying to "make" things work. i was willing to over look the things that i felt like i was not getting from our relationship. but now that he is trying harder to give me those things, i am not feeling any better. i know i love him. so what is the problem. is it the past, is it my head getting in the way, or is it that we are just not meant to be together? i dont know anymore. i just really am at the point were all of this and everything else in my life are beginning to feel like drudgery. i am so glad that i am going to the drs tomorrow. i hope so badly that he can put me on something that will make me feel better. the only problem is that it is going to take sometime before whatever he gives me starts to take hold and turn my blues back to sunshiny days. maybe.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The begining of the end
Today we finalized divorce and custody matters and I think we are done. Just need the judgement to be filed and I will officially be a divorced mother of three. I should be glad that today officially marks the beginning of the end of our marriage, but I am not. I am sad. And that is weird to me. It has been over a year and a half, more than enough time to be over the pain that comes with the realization that our family is done. But I am still feeling sad. It sucks to know that I have failed miserably.
No, I was not the one that ended our relationship, but I did help in destroying it over the years. But more importantly than feeling like I failed at marriage, I feel like I have failed my children. They will never again know the comfort of sleeping under the same roof as both of their parents. That saddens me so greatly. More than knowing I sucked at being married to him.
I want this all to be over so I can rebuild my life and allow my love for Aaron to flourish. I know we have so much potential. We are so good together and I know we can have a wonderful future, just so long as my head can steer clear of our relationship!
It will be so nice to finally be a legally single woman. That has been wreaking havoc on my mind and heart this whole time that I have been with Aaron. It just did not seem right for me to be with him if I was still married, even though Mike and I were no longer together. Maybe it is just that morally it really screwed with my mind. Even though he cheated on me, thereby ending the covenant that we had created with God, a small part of me felt like I was being unfaithful in Gods eyes. Hopefully now I can put those feelings behind me and let my dreams for a future with A become a reality.
No, I was not the one that ended our relationship, but I did help in destroying it over the years. But more importantly than feeling like I failed at marriage, I feel like I have failed my children. They will never again know the comfort of sleeping under the same roof as both of their parents. That saddens me so greatly. More than knowing I sucked at being married to him.
I want this all to be over so I can rebuild my life and allow my love for Aaron to flourish. I know we have so much potential. We are so good together and I know we can have a wonderful future, just so long as my head can steer clear of our relationship!
It will be so nice to finally be a legally single woman. That has been wreaking havoc on my mind and heart this whole time that I have been with Aaron. It just did not seem right for me to be with him if I was still married, even though Mike and I were no longer together. Maybe it is just that morally it really screwed with my mind. Even though he cheated on me, thereby ending the covenant that we had created with God, a small part of me felt like I was being unfaithful in Gods eyes. Hopefully now I can put those feelings behind me and let my dreams for a future with A become a reality.
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